Sex with George Hrab

Dragon had Conned its way into past tense, yet I am left with its parting gift. Like a venereal disease from a lover, the incubator that is Dragon*Con has bequeathed me a dose of what we Aussies would call the Dreaded Lurgy, and conference-goers fondly call Dragon*Con Crud or ConSARS. I have affectionately named this dysentery of Bali Belly proportions Georgia Gut, or Atlanta Arse.

In an obvious continuum let’s move from virulent viruses to George Hrab.

On Saturday night I witnessed the skeptical cabaret An Evening with George Hrab. He sang, sipped suavely from a blue martini glass, and dropped his daks (Australian English = trousers/pants). I missed the dropping of the pants, but here is the photographic evidence. On a panel the following evening, at the sound of my accent, George interrupted me with a mental orgasm that disrupted my train of thought, so I shall now reduce my review of his show to one single word:

root

In his skeptical stream-of-consciousness performance, George incongruously mentioned Australian English root. “Do we have any Australians in the audience who know what root means?” He asked, well aware that there was a freckly, sun-kissed contingent in that very room. “Yes, it means fuck!“ laughed Podblack Cat (aka Kylie Sturgess) and myself, almost in unison, from opposite sides of the room. Psychic connection or what?!

There’s much more to root than meets the eye, um…er…so, here’s a short linguistic description. (NOT intended to be a rigorous, methodology-based semantic analysis, for any swots out there.)

Stick with me…this is a good ‘un…

Firstly, a quick consideration of the origins of this usage. I would hazard a folkloric etymology that root is rooted in the literal sense of embedded organisms, such as teeth and nails, but especially plants. This colloquial coitus usage of root probably evolved due to the phallic imagery of literal root growth, a metaphorical allusion to an engored organ, increasing in thickness and length, and plunging into the moist depths of…soil…with the added implications of fertility.

Of course, root is highly polysemous (multiple meanings, often related) with many literal (e.g., botanical) and figurative meanings (e.g., music and maths, or something fixed or fundamental). In Aussie English it can also mean one is tired, exhausted or sick (e.g. I’m rooted). But, let’s be saucy and look at the fuck connection.

As Hrab observed (hmm…), in Australian English root has another sense. This is a near-synonym of: coitus to be clinical, sex to be ‘neutral’ or fuck to be frank. But can you see where this is leading? In line with the semantic theory that very few words are completely synonymous, root is unlike sex, copulation, intercourse, fornication, love-making, and fuck. They don’t all mean the same fucking thing. You see, root is uniquely discrete. For pragmatic reasons, it differs in meaning, connotation, and purpose.

Root can belong to any of the open word classes, functioning as a transitive verb (e.g., I rooted her) and nominally (e.g., Jesus, I could do with a good root). It apears in idiomatic phrases, but is quite limited in this regard, and doesn’t appear in phrasal verbs, so, I can tell you to fuck off, but not *root off.

What does root not mean?

(nb. An asterisk marks an unacceptable or questionable usage).

Root is not used as a sanitized sense:

The patient sustained an internal trauma during intercourse (*rooting).

Root is not intended to be romantic or erotic (or corny, however you interpret it):

After spending months apart, they made love (*rooted) passionately throughout the night.

Root is not even intended to be euphemistic:

They fled from the lecture to the hotel room where they spent the night together/slept together (*rooted).

Root is not intended to be ‘neutral’, ‘factual’ or referential (as in, purely information-bearing speech):

I did not (*root) have sexual relations with that woman.

For fuck’s (*root’s) sake Karen, what is root then? I hear you ask.

Well, root is dysphemistic. It has the illocution (intention) of being base, crude, vulgar, offensive, dismissive, disparaging and even contemptuous. Here are some connotations and examples of usage.

Root can be used for comical, satirical effect:

“Viagra is NOT a magic wand because it doesn’t always work and has side effects (and costs $20 a pill – one bloke said “That’s an expensive root.” http://www.sex-therapy.com.au/newsletters/passion_newsApr08.pdf

“He’s got kids so he must have had a root.” http://www.zooweekly.com.au/members/viewPost.php?aid=3514

 

Root can imply sexual draught and desperation, and ‘anything will do’ attitude:

“He’s a portrait painter who specialises in pets and their owners, and even worse, he hasn’t had a root in three years.” Sydney Morning Herald, April 24, 2003.

Root can suggest predatory behaviour:

I went out looking for a good root last night and I found one.

Therefore, it’s usually a fun, frivolous, ephemeral event, like a one-night stand or casual sex. It might just be a quickie. However, this doesn’t imply that a root is invariably fast and fevered:

I rooted her for hours that night.

But root can be flippant and dismissive:

She’s only good for a root.

It implies the satiation of animalistic lust, rather than love. You wouldn’t root your girlfriend, if you loved her. But you might love to root someone else’s girlfriend.

Some of you might be drawing parallels to UK English shag by now, or other namby-pamby euphemisms such as bonk or hump, or butcher-friendly like pork or bone. (oh god, I’m enjoying this…)

But I claim that it’s different again, in that root can be more rough, abusive or aggressive, and might be more comparable to US screw. This is not to suggest that Englishman make more sensitive lovers. (This is, after all, where the term a bit of rough comes from…)

Can you also see that most of my examples portray the female as the passive experiencer? I would suggest that root is predominately used by men in regards to women. Now, I’m not going to get all prescriptive or feminist on y’all, but I submit that some would perceive root as sexist or chauvinistic.

So, a note to all you guys out there. Approaching an Australian woman (or a New Zealand woman for that matter) with your newfound Antipodean word in a phrase such as: Sheila, ya wanna root?  will likely end in such genital mutilation that your roots will be unable to take hold for awhile…

Work and projects beckon, so I’m going to love (*root) you and leave you for awhile now dear readers.

xxx

(Thanks to Richard Murray for the photo of Hrab.)